I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
