End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
