Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sober January is a disaster.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
