I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
