I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
