I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
