I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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