im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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