having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
