so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
