Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
