WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
