no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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