if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.