allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
