well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
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She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?