Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
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i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat