its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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