I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
