The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It was confusing and full of hummus
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
