new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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