So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it glows. i had to have it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
