i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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