I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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