Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She said her name was "party"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
