mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
