Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Can Purell be used as lube?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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