And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
