I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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