Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
