ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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