a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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