They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
