the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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