His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
