What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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