I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
And then he peed in my hair
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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