i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
