He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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