it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
as a side note pls kill me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
