Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
