I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
