i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
