hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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