Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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