An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
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I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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