There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
