you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
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