Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
