hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
