woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
