Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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