you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
