they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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