I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
