I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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