i love accidental penises.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
